Feeling guilty & ashamed

Actually, that statement is relevant to many aspects of my life right now, but I am slowly coming out of a funk, that I suspect, I've been in for many years. I'm doing much better since my last post a few days ago, but prayers, as always, are much appreciated. But back to my funk....I'm just going to come right out and say it....I think I might actually be dealing with mild depression. It's not to the point of my not wanting to get out of bed, off the couch, etc. taking care of my children, or myself...well, not exactly myself. Since about 2004, I've gotten more and more lax in my efforts to care for my home; cleaning, straightening, de-cluttering, and basic upkeep that I'm capable of doing without help or guidance from my husband. I've planted gardens year after year, with much zeal, I might add, only to let it go to weeds, and thus have the fruits of my planting literally rot on the vines, plants, etc. I think 2004 was actually the last time I canned anything that I grew from my garden. And moving along to taking care of our finances, both our personal as well as the business. I pay the bills and most of the time, they are actually paid on time...but not always. I type up the invoices for the business, but I'm not real good at double checking that they are actually paid. I wonder how much money that it's cost us?! I'm also in charge of handling payroll (for 1 employee-Brian), making sure the monthly, quarterly, and semi-annually paperwork (mostly for tax purposes is concerned) is done and sent in on time, as well as all the end of year tax prep. My not doing it in a timely fashion has led us to the issues we're dealing with right now, and for that, I am deeply ashamed, scared, and grateful. Ashamed because in all actuality, there is no real good excuse for my not keeping up with it. Not that it hasn't stopped me from using the following excuses to plead my case: I'm too busy with the kids, too busy with PTO stuff, too busy with life, too busy with housework (LOL), laundry, shopping, the kids, etc. And while I'll admit, I do not like taking care of the books for the business, and am constantly worried about making a mistake (of which I, and I alone will be blamed for), when I do actually do it, I take great pride in the fact that, for the most part, it comes easily to me and I know it saves the business money, therefor saving us money. With all that being said, when I finally get everything up to date, and organized, I am going to beg & plead with my husband to actually hire our accounting firm to handle the quarterly payroll taxes paperwork, etc. The worst he could say is no, right?!!

So, I kind of got off the actual intent of my post there. Sorry. My intended message was about being good stewards with our God given gifts. As Christians we're commanded to do so, and I can't for the life of me, figure out why for most of us, myself included here, we don't feel more obligated to doing more with our Godly gifts?! Anyway, as I was picking the last of the green beans, amongst weeds, that in some spots of the garden are taller than me, I was struck with this amazing wave of guilt. I was standing in weeds so thick, that most plants would have simply given up and withered away. But, I was astounded by what I was seeing; amongst the weeds were green beans plants, most with dried up and withered beans pods, still producing blooms, and I was able to pick enough fresh green beans that we'll get at least one crock pot full for supper this weekend. As I was picking the last few precious beans (Brian's mowing them over as I type this), I couldn't help myself...I simply asked God to forgive me for not being a good steward of the gift He had provided me, with my garden. As I saw the dried up bean pods, all I kept thinking was I bet I could have canned 40-60 quarts of green beans for the winter. That would be a HUGE savings for our family. And as I looked over my tomato patch, I am anxious to get them picked this week, and can some stewed tomatoes, as well as maybe a batch of pint sized jars of salsa. After picking the green beans, I decided to take some pictures of the "weed garden" and show them along with the pictures I took earlier in the growing season, before I let the garden go.
This first picture is of my concord grape vines that were lovingly planted by my mother in law. This was back in June, and they were looking real good.

This second picture is of my tomatoes, peppers, and the green onions (in the foreground).

This 3rd pic is of the 6 rows of green beans I'd planted, with the tomatoes in the foreground.

This 4th picture is of the sweet corn I planted. It grew nicely, but for some reason, we've never had much luck with the corn actually producing ears of corn.

The next several pictures are all the "after" pictures. This first one is of the grape vines (far left), and the black raspberries (middle). This was after Brian mowed the weeds down.

This 2nd pic is of the green beans....yeah, they're in there some where in those 5' tall weeds.

Between those 2 whiskey barrel planters is where the tomatoes & peppers are growing. This last picture is of the big bowl of green beans that I was able to pick this afternoon. *sigh*
I owe it to God, who provides us with so many wonderful gifts and blessings, to do better with what He's given me. For me, this includes many areas in my life: I need to do better with my kids. I need to show them more guidance & understanding, and be more patient with them. I need to do better with my husband. Brian does so much for me, for the kids, for his family, and he truly deserves better than what he's gotten in the past 5 years or so. I need to be a better steward of ALL the gifts I receive from God: my ability to do grow a garden, preserve it's bounty, cook & bake, write this blog, balance a checkbook, be a bookkeeper, save money or rather, spend it more wisely, and most importantly share the wealth as it were.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Though His grace I know I can do more, be more, do better, and be better.

Thanks to all who are praying for me/us right now. I am eternally grateful for the prayers, your love & your friendship. Love & hugs!!